Chapter 1: Homeward Journey

Any experience about the Lord must come from upper to lower. It does not depend on us. We can only increase the intensity of our hankering, of our serving attitude (sevonmukhatā), and whether He will descend to this plane or not depends on His whim. There is transcendental substance — He moves according to His sweet will. He may come down or He may not, at His whim. He is free. We can only increase our earnestness for His presence. Although the potency and the potent are inseparably connected, we must generally know ourselves to be of the marginal potency. He is everywhere — He is nowhere; everything is within Him — nothing is in Him. Such is His peculiar and mystic position (Bg.9.4,5,6). Thus, our duty is to try to serve Him. We should not put much emphasis on ‘feeling’ Him either by mind, by body, or even by intelligence.

He is everywhere, and He is nowhere: in a flash He may show, «Yes, I am here»; yet, when we are earnestly searching for Him, He may be nowhere to be found. His nature is independent. We can search, but we cannot say that we shall find Him.

Āśliṣya vā pāda-ratāṁ pinaṣṭu mām, adarśanān marma-hatāṁ karotu vā: our duty is to devote ourselves cent-per-cent and most intensely for Him. We are only to serve Him. And service does not mean that we must necessarily come into direct contact with Him. Remote service is also service; through His devotee it becomes tangible. We should try to serve Him through His devotees, without expectation of any reward. We should have no desire except to serve, even without expecting to see Him once, to have His darśana. We shall only want to be utilised by Him. The little energy we have must be utilised for His cause. We are His potency, and we should prove that we belong to Him. Mahāprabhu says, «He may embrace me or reject me, or He may even be indifferent towards me. Whatever He likes, He may do, but I have no alternative but to serve Him.» We must adopt such an exclusive and unconditional attitude. Not that, «If He doesn’t want to reciprocate according to my will, I won’t like to approach Him; so I shall join the atheists or the māyāvādis. If You don’t come forward to satisfy me, then I shall seek my own way — I don’t want You!» If there is any tinge of such an attitude, we are far, tar away.

Yathā tatha vā vidadhātu lampaṭo, mat-prāṇa-nāthas tu sa eva nāparaḥ. «We have no alternative but to serve You.» To search means to serve: «I want to be utilised for His cause. However petty the service may be, nothing is petty when in His connection, the least connection, even from far away. He need not please me, even by giving His darśana in a lightning way. Everything depends on His will.»

Unconditional offering unto Him shows faith of the highest type. If our offering is conditional, we shall have to remain far from Him. The characteristic of the highest faith is absolutely unconditional: «I am only to be satisfied with just the chance to serve Him from afar, through some medium; or many mediums, not only one. Dāsa-dāsa-dāsānudāsatvam — servant of the servant of the servant of the servant... I have His connection from afar, and my energy passes through the devotees, towards Him, towards the centre of fulfillment. Whatever my position may be, I want my connection with the greatest fulfillment of the whole world!» Everyone is searching for such fulfillment of all their innermost necessities.

Sarva-dharmān parityajya, mām ekam śaraṇaṁ vraja (Bg. 18.66): the search for Him eliminates all other duties. A true devotee thinks, «There is no obligation to anyone except one, and He is my Lord, Kṛṣṇa.» And His most laudable and greatest servitors are those who are in contact with His greatest agent. Not His direct contact, but contact with the greatest agent of His service will constitute the safer and higher relationship of ananya-bhajana, exclusive service eliminating all else.

No trace of exploitation should be traced in us. We should not run after any type of enjoyment including even the enjoyment of ‘God-association.’ We must be fully purged of the enjoying spirit. If a trace of enjoyment remains in us, we shall have to remain in one of the planes of this brahmāṇḍa, this universe, such as Bhūr-, Bhuvar-, Svar-, Mahar-, Janar-, Tapar-, and Satya-loka. And if any tinge of renunciation or retiring spirit is in us, we will not be allowed to enter into the world of infinity, Vaikuntha. Kuṇṭha means ‘limitation,’ and Vaikuṇṭha means the unlimited world. We want to be a member of the infinite world. ‘Finite’ only refers to the attempt of our separate interest to measure the infinite, and thereby, we conceive of finite. When our ego wants to measure a portion of the infinite, considering, «This is my kingdom, that is my friend’s kingdom, etc.,» then whatever we see with our separate interest is māyā — misconception and misunderstanding in the infinite. All such things must be dissolved. And the attitude of retirement, «If I can’t enjoy, I shall stop work; I shall go on strike» — that type of reactionary mentality must also be abandoned.

Then, we shall be face to face with the positive side only. What is the positive side? It is the wave from the centre, līlā, the play of the Absolute. That wave is fulfilling the desire of the Supreme Lord, and we will be face to lace with that. If the tendency for separate interest or reactionary retirement remains in us, we cannot have a touch of that eternal flow to satisfy the Absolute. When we are free from these two kinds of whims, we can come into connection with the eternal flow where all points, everywhere, are active to satisfy the centre. Such a plane is not dry; it is happy, constructive, and nourishing, and that, we shall be able to feel. Only a small touch of it will make us understand that we do not want a particle of anything else. This is our homeward journey, and any other want or demand will keep us in a foreign country filled with death, disease, infirmity, rebirth — all these troubles. These troubles all occur because of misconception and identification of the soul with mortal things.

bhukti-mukti-spṛhā yāvat
piśāchī hṛdi vartate
tāvad bhakti-sukhasyātra
katham abhyudayo bhavet

«How can the joy of holy devotion appear in the heart as long as it is haunted by the ghosts of desire for exploitation and renunciation?»

These two ideas of renunciation and enjoyment are foreign to us. They possess us, like ghosts. They have taken possession of our ego and are playing with it. We are prey in their mischievous hands, and we must escape from such a conspiracy of māyā. We must be free — free members of the infinite world where the noble flow of dedication flourishes. No limited aspiration exists there; a current of wholesale dedication flows towards the centre and all concerned. And that is our home, the soil where we can live eternally. There, all are individuals, and there is no death, no birth, no infirmity and no disease. Our inner self will emerge and mingle with the residents of that land.

Our own experience should not be easily relied upon, such as thinking, «This is God, this is my conception — I have a touch of God.» There was a Bābāji who was thought by many to be a great devotee. Whenever he took the name, he shed incessant tears. Liquid also oozed from his nose, and he was seen to be in some abnormal meditating position. On either side of him his attendants would be constantly cleansing his tears and face with napkins, as he madly chanted the name. Some atheistic persons considered that he was displaying religious fanaticism, while common people who had some simple faith in God estimated him to be a very high-class devotee. But our Guru Mahārāja, Śrīla Bhaktisiddhānta Saraswatī Goswāmī Ṭhākura Prabhupāda, rejected him and his antics as devoid of proper God conception.

atha niḥsattvāḥ — nisarga-pichchila-svānte, tad abhyāsa-pare ’pi cha
sattvābhāsaṁ vināpi syuḥ, kvāpy aśru-pulakādayaḥ

«Whenever shedding tears, horripilation, etc., are seen in persons whose hearts are soft externally and hard internally, ahd who are habituated to crying, rapture, etc., even though they do not possess a semblance of divine emotion — such an imitative sentiment should be known as totally unsubstantial and lifeless.»

Mental imitation of devotion is possible, even without a tinge of pure devotion. In a drama also we may find a man who is fully drunk playing the part of a devotee, shedding tears and dancing madly as if he is a great devotee. By practising, one can acquire that mental condition of shedding tears, and one can show many feats as though he were a real devotee. Merely the display of some peculiar external characteristics does not prove the presence of pure devotion. Real devotion is sudurllabhā — a very, very rare achievement.

When we can neglect the proposal of emancipation, we might think that we possess a speck of real devotion. In the face of devotion, emancipation is belittled as very lowly (mokṣa-laghutā-kṛt, B.r.s. Purva, 1.14). Yet, devotion is so rarely to be found, we may not expect that we have attained it (sudurllabhā, ibid.). In one word, when we say that we have some devotion, we are not in devotion. Rather, when we can feel that we have nothing, although we have no aspiration for any other thing, at that point we may be making some progress. We do genuinely want something, although we can’t clearly understand what; but we appreciate the devotees and the divine scriptures of devotion. When our appreciation is on that side, yet we feel we are bereft, that is a sober and healthy position. So vacant. We ought to remember that although we are negative, infinitesmal parts, we have come forward for a relationship with the Infinite, the Absolute. What price should we be prepared to pay for that? What form does that price take? We ought not to purchase such a thing very cheaply. To serve the devotees wall be tangible, and to continue with the devotional practices and programme that has been recommended by the scriptures and saints is most important. To go on — that in itself should be our reward. We are reading about Him, we are serving the saints and hearing their words. This is an engagement in itself. If we are thus satisfied, we have something that must not be underestimated.

There is a great value in having the company of the saints and the scriptures, without mixing with the robbery of this material world. What is present here at this moment becomes nothing at the next. We are not of this world full of treachery. We are disgusted with the treacherous aspect of the world that charms us and engages us in a treacherous soil. Now something — next moment, nothing. We must give that up and try for something substantial: sat, chit, ānandam — eternal existence, uncontaminated consciousness, and finally, the fulfillment of all our inner necessities — the corresponding engagement of the whole of our existence. Prati aṅga lāgi kānde, prati aṅga mora — «Every part of my being cries for the corresponding part of Him.» (Jñāna Dāsa.) And Kṛṣṇa says, «Only I can give you complete fulfillment, so come to Me and give up everything else». I shall accept the reaction you have earned in the relativity of this mortal world — I shall clear your debt! You need only come to My feet.» If we are charmed by this universal call of the Lord and we try to abide by it, then that is sufficient. If we are answering that absolute call to our best ability, Kṛṣṇa assures us: «I shall free you of your burden; you simply come to Me. Give up all your duties.» Faith in this call, and acting on the basis of such faith is a great thing in us. We should try to follow this according to our best capacity, and this is possible only in the company of the exclusive devotees of the Lord.

We shall relish being in the company of His devotees. We have found children of the same soil — we are meeting our home associates. If our internal satisfaction is of that type, we are holding something of a safe position. We want to recognise our home, but we are now travelling in a foreign land. We should try to find the inner feeling of our hearts, without wanting some miracle.

We are but tiny souls and many things may be miraculous to us. Yogīs and mystic persons can show many miracles and captivate us. It is easy to capture a tiny soul by miracles. There are many powerful miracle-men in the world. Let God save us from their hands! We must not allow ourselves to be the prey of so many miracles; may that charm leave us, once and for all.

yadi karibe kṛṣṇa-nāma sādhu-saṅga kara
bhukti-mukti-siddhi-vāñchā dūre parihara

«If you are going to chant the holy name, keep the association of the pure devotee and totally abandon all your desires for enjoyment, liberation, yogic perfections or miracles.»

May all these alternative prospects — exploitation, renunciation, miracles — retire forever. We want only the Lord of our heart, who can award the deepest satisfaction. All the atoms of our innermost constitution have their corresponding engagement with Him, and that too, is of the highest quality. This proposal is given by the Gauḍiya Vaiṣṇava school under the direction of Śrī Chaitanyadeva and Śrī Nityānanda Prabhu.

In the Vṛndāvana proposal, the Infinite is in the nearest position with the finite: aprākṛta. Aprākṛta is where the Infinite has come nearest to the finite, as though one of them. When He is so close, so near, no one can easily recognise whether He is infinite or not. Mahāprabhu has suggested to us, «Try for the chance for your fortune in Vṛndāvana. There is such a wonderful process: Nanda and Yaśodā (Kṛṣṇa’s father and mother) have captured the Absolute and He is crawling in their compound (aham iha nandaṁ vande yasyālinde paraṁ brahma). Try to secure a position there, however negligible it may be. Try your fortune.» So, we are in search of such a fortune where all other proposals are eliminated.

kam prati kathayitum īśe
samprati ko vā pratītim āyātu
go-pati-tanayā-kuñje
gopa-vadhūṭī-vitaṁ brahma

«To whom can I tell it, and whoever will believe it, that the Supreme Absolute, Param Brahman, the Paramour of the damsels of Vraja, is enjoying in the groves on the banks of the Yamunā?»

It is inconceivable that the Brahman, the greatest, the Absolute, has come to search for the least love of the cowherd damsels of the Gopī class. He has approached in such a near and close way, and in such an ordinary, rural style. Try your fortune there.

We are out to do just that, under the guidance of Śrī Chaitanyadeva, who is understood to be the combination of the positive and negative aspects of the Absolute. The positive is busy distributing Himself to others. Mahāprabhu is that infinitely and inconceivably generous aspect of the Supreme.

We must not search for any sentiment in ourselves, divine or otherwise. Once, one disciple was engaged in the service of his Guru, when a messenger from Vaikuṇṭha came to fetch that disciple, saying, «The Lord is satisfied with your service to your Gurudeva and he is calling for you, so please come.»

The disciple replied, «No, no, I have no time to attend to your call of Vaikuṇṭha; I am very busy in the service of my Gurudeva.»

This should be our attitude. «I have my engagement under the guidance of the Vaiṣṇavas here; I don’t like to be disturbed from this position.»

sakhyāya te mama namo ’stu name ’stu nityam
dāsyāya te mama raso ’stu raso ’stu satyam

Śrīla Raghunātha Dāsa Goswāmī, the greatest exponent of the faith of servitude to Śrīmatī Rādharāṇī, Rādhā-dāsyam, says, «I won’t allow myself to become fascinated by the proposal of the higher level service as a friend, sakhya. Rather, I shall tend always to do the lower service, dāsya, the service of the servant. I shall not consider myself to be a high-class servitor and I shall always tend to go towards the lower class of service. But He may forcibly take me to a higher service — «No, you are no longer to serve there; now you must serve in this higher category.»

«But I consider that I am not fit for that confidential service, my Lord. You may engage the higher servitors in Your confidential group, while I may serve in. the lower level.»

That sort of tendency is safe for us. We should always be tending towards the lower service; and it is His business to forcibly take us up to a higher group, should He wish: «No, you are qualified to render such service, and you should no longer remain in the lower group.» But the tendency of the servitor will always be toward the lower service — dāsyāya te mama raso ‘stu: «I would like to be engaged in service as a servant, not as a friend.» That should be the normal tendency of a devotee. With such a mood, he is safe. Even in that world, he should have no ambition except to be the servant of the servant of the servant . . . Hearing of such things from the devotees and from the scriptures, we may think such a conception to be exaggeration; but it is the reality, and we should search out this pristine substance within us. This is a safe and wholesome position.