Chapter 13. Eagerness to see Sri Gaura
গৌরাঙ্গ তোমার চরণ ছাড়িয়া
চলিনু শ্রীবৃন্দাবনে ।
পূর্ব্ব-লীলা তব দেখিব বলিয়া
হইল আমার মনে ॥১॥
gaurāṅga tomāra charaṇa chhāḍiyā
chalinu śrī-vṛndāvane
pūrva-līlā tava dekhiba baliyā
ha-ila āmāra mane [1]
gauranga–O Gauranga! chhadiya–I left tomara–Your charana–feet [and] chalinu–went sri-vrndavane–to Sri Vrndavan. baliya–Thinking dekhiba–I would see tava–Your purva-lila–previous Pastimes, amara mane ha-ila–I decided [to go there]. [1]
Translation:
O Gauranga! I left Your feet and went to Vrndavan. Thinking I would see Your previous Pastimes, I decided to go there.
কেন সেই ভাব হইল আমার
এখন কাঁদিয়া মরি ।
তোমারে না দেখি’ প্রাণ ছাড়ি’ যায়
না জানি এবে কি করি ॥২॥
kena sei bhāva ha-ila āmāra
ekhana kā̐diyā mari
tomāre nā dekhi’ prāṇa chhāḍi’ yāya
nā jāni ebe ki kari [2]
kena–Why amara sei bhava ha-ila–did I think that? ekhana–Now ka̐diya–I am crying [and] mari–dying. dekhi’ na–Not seeing tomare–You, [my] prana–heart chhadi’ yaya–is leaving [me]. jani na–I do not know ki kari–what to do ebe–now. [2]
Translation:
Why did I think that? Now I am crying and dying. Not seeing You, my heart is leaving me. I do not know what to do now.
ও রাঙ্গা চরণ মম প্রাণ ধন
সমুদ্রবালিতে রাখি’ ।
কি দেখিতে আইনু নিজ মাথা খাইনু
উড়ু উড়ু প্রাণপাখী ॥৩॥
o rāṅgā charaṇa mama prāṇa dhana
samudra-bālite rākhi’
ki dekhite āinu nija māthā khāinu
uḍu uḍu prāṇa-pākhī [3]
o ranga charana–Your reddish feet [are] mama–my prana–life [and] dhana–wealth, [but] rakhi’–I left [them] samudra-balite–on the sand beside the ocean; ki–what ainu–have I come [here] dekhite–to see? nija matha khainu–I indulged my mind, [and now] prana-pakhi–the bird of my heart [is] udu udu–anxious to fly [away]. [3]
Translation:
Your reddish feet are my life and wealth, but I left them on the sand beside the ocean; what have I come here to see? I indulged my mind, and now the bird of my heart is anxious to fly away.
যত চলি’ যাই মন নাহি চলে
তবু যাই জেদ করি’ ।
প্রেমের বিবর্ত্ত আমারে নাচায়
না বুঝিয়া আমি মরি ॥৪॥
yata chali’ yāi mana nāhi chale
tabu yāi jeda kari’
premera vivarta āmāre nāchāya
nā bujhiyā āmi mari [4]
yata–As far as chali’ yai–I go on, [my] mana–heart chale nahi–does not proceed. tabu–Still, yai–I go on jeda kari’–stubbornly. vivarta–Transformations premera–of love amare nachaya–make me dance, [but] bujhiya na–not understanding [them,] ami–I mari–am dying. [4]
Translation:
Although I go on, my heart does not. Still, I go on stubbornly …Transformations of love make me dance, but, not understanding them, I am dying.
গৌরাঙ্গের রঙ্গ বুঝিতে নারিনু
পড়িনু দুঃখ-সাগরে ।
আমি চাই যাহা নাহি পাই তাহা
মন যে কেমন করে ॥৫॥
gaurāṅgera raṅga bujhite nārinu
paḍinu duḥkha-sāgare
āmi chāi yāhā nāhi pāi tāhā
mana ye kemana kare [5]
narinu–I could not bujhite–understand gaurangera–Gauranga’s ranga–Pastimes, [and] padinu–I have fallen duhkha-sagare–into an ocean of sorrow. pai nahi–I do not get taha yaha–that which ami–I chai–want. ye kemana–How might mana kare–[my] heart act? [5]
Translation:
Failing to understand Gauranga’s Pastimes, I have fallen into an ocean of sorrow. I do not get what I want; what is my heart going to do now?
গৌরাঙ্গের তরে প্রাণ দিতে যাই
না হয় মরণ তবু ।
মরিব বলিয়া পড়িয়া সমুদ্রে
খাই মাত্র হাবুডুবু ॥৬॥
gaurāṅgera tare prāṇa dite yāi
nā haya maraṇa tabu
mariba baliyā paḍiyā samudre
khāi mātra hābuḍubu [6]
yai–I go dite–to give [my] prana–life gaurangera tare–to Gauranga tabu–but marana haya na–I do not die. baliya–I decide mariba–I will die [and] padiya–I jump samudre–into the ocean [but] matra habudubu khai–I only flounder in the water. [6]
Translation:
I go to give my life to Gauranga, but I do not die. I decide to die and jump into the ocean, but I only flounder in the water.
সে চন্দ্রবদন দেখিবার লোভে
শীঘ্র উঠি সিন্ধুতটে ।
পুনঃ নাহি দেখি’ প্রাণ উড়ি’ যায়
চলি পুনঃ টোটাবাটে ॥৭॥
se chandra-vadana dekhibāra lobhe
śīghra uṭhi sindhu-taṭe
punaḥ nāhi dekhi’ prāṇa uḍi’ yāya
chali punaḥ ṭoṭā-vāṭe [7]
lobhe–Anxious dekhibara–to see se chandra-vadana–His moon-like face, sighra uthi–I quickly get up sindhu-tate–on the shore of the ocean. punah–Again, dekhi’ nahi–not seeing [Him, my] prana–heart udi’ yaya–flies [up, and] chali–I run punah tota-vate–back down the path to the garden. [7]
Translation:
Anxious to see His moon-like face, I quickly return to the shore. Again, not seeing Him, my heart flies up, and I run back down the path to the garden.
গোপীনাথাঙ্গনে দেখি’ গোরামুখ
পড়ি অচেতন হঞা ।
পণ্ডিত গোঁসাঞি মোরে লঞা রাখে
দেখি পুনঃ সংজ্ঞা পাঞা ॥৮॥
gopīnāthāṅgane dekhi’ gorā-mukha
paḍi achetana hañā
paṇḍita go̐sāñi more lañā rākhe
dekhi punaḥ saṁjñā pāñā [8]
dekhi’–Seeing gora-mukha–Gora’s face gopinathangane–in the courtyard of Gopinath, achetana hana padi–I fell unconscious. pandita go̐sani–Gadadhar Pandit lana rakhe–took care more–of me, [and then] dekhi–I saw [that] samjna pana–I was conscious punah–again. [8]
Translation:
Seeing Gora’s face in the courtyard of Gopinath, I fell unconscious. Gadadhar Pandit took care of me, and then I saw that I was conscious again.
গৌর গদাধর বসিয়া দুজনে
বলেন আমার কথা ।
অমনি কাঁদিয়া যাই গড়াগড়ি
না বিচারি যথা তথা ॥৯॥
gaura gadādhara basiyā dujane
balena āmāra kathā
amani kā̐diyā yāi gaḍāgaḍi
nā vichāri yathā tathā [9]
gaura gadadhara–Gaura and Gadadhar basiya–were sitting [and] dujane–the two of Them balena–where speaking amara katha–about me, [and] amani–all of a sudden ka̐diya–I [began to] cry [and] gadagadi yai–rolled on the ground, vichari na–not considering yatha tatha–here from there. [9]
Translation:
Gaura and Gadadhar were sitting and speaking about me, and all of a sudden, I began to cry and roll on the ground, unaware of where I was.
ক্ষণেক বিরহ সহিতে না পারি
গৌর মোর হৃদে নাচে ।
মরিতে না দেয় বাঁচিলে কোন্দল
কিসে মোর প্রাণ বাঁচে ॥১০॥
kṣaṇeka viraha sahite nā pāri
gaura mora hṛde nāche
marite nā deya vā̐chile kondala
kise mora prāṇa vā̐che [10]
pari na–I cannot sahite–tolerate ksaneka–a moment viraha–of separation [as] gaura–Gaura nache–dances mora hrde–in my heart. deya na–He does not allow [me] marite–to die, [but] va̐chile–when I live, kondala–we quarrel. kise–How [can] mora–my prana–heart va̐che–live? [10]
Translation:
I cannot tolerate a moment of separation as Gaura dances in my heart. He does not let me die, but when I live, we quarrel. How does my life go on?
হেন অবস্থায় গৌরপদ ছাড়ি’
মোর বৃন্দাবনে আসা ।
এ বুদ্ধি হইল কেন নাহি জানি
ইহ-পরলোক-নাশা ॥১১॥
hena avasthāya gaura-pada chhāḍi’
mora vṛndāvane āsā
e buddhi ha-ila kena nāhi jāni
iha-para-loka-nāśā [11]
hena avasthaya–In this condition, chhadi’–I left gaura-pada–Gaura’s feet [and] mora asa–came vrndavane–to Vrndavan. jani nahi–I do not know kena–why e buddhi ha-ila–this decision was made, [but now my] iha-para-loka-nasa–present and future [are] ruined. [11]
Translation:
In this condition, I left Gaura’s feet and came to Vrndavan. I do not know what made me do this, but now my present and future are ruined.
আজ্ঞা লইনু যাইতে আজ্ঞা না পালিলে
তাতে হয় অপরাধ ।
গোরাচাঁদমুখ না দেখিয়া মরি
সব দিকে মোর বাধ ॥১২॥
ājñā la-inu yāite ājñā nā pālile
tāte haya aparādha
gorāchā̐da-mukha nā dekhiyā mari
saba dike mora bādha [12]
la-inu–I took ajna–permission yaite–to go, [and] palile na–if I don’t act according [to this] ajna–permission, tate–then aparadha haya–I will commit an offence. [But] dekhiya na–not seeing goracha̐da-mukha–Goracha̐d’s face, mari–I am dying. mora badha–I have obstacles saba dike–in all directions! [12]
Translation:
I took permission to go, and if I don’t do so accordingly, I will commit an offence. But not seeing Goracha̐d’s face, I am dying; there are obstacles all around me!
গোরাপ্রেম যার সঙ্কট তাহার
প্রাণ লঞা টানাটানি ।
গদাধরগণে এই ত’ দুর্দ্দশা
সবে করে কাণাকাণি ॥১৩॥
gorā-prema yāra saṅkaṭa tāhāra
prāṇa lañā ṭānāṭāni
gadādhara-gaṇe ei ta’ durdaśā
sabe kare kāṇākāṇi [13]
tahara yara–Those who have gora-prema–love for Gora [undergo] sankata–distress. [That love] prana lana tanatani–pulls [their] hearts in opposite directions [simultaneously]. sabe–Everyone kanakani kare–whispers [that] ei ta’–this [is] durdasa–the miserable state gadadhara-gane–of Gadadhar’s associates. [13]
Translation:
Those who have love for Gora undergo distress: that love pulls their hearts in opposite directions simultaneously. Everyone whispers that this is the miserable state of Gadadhar’s associates.